Before your oppressors, you will never be enough

 WHY CAN'T I BE PLEASING TO THEM?

Truth is, before your oppressors, you will never be enough! 

After my first suicide attempt when I was 12 years old, (I hate JIK till now, the very thought that I trusted that brand with my life and it failed me, makes me detest it.  Little sentiment for another day) this thought crept into my mind.  

"You will never be enough before your oppressors," then I struggled to believe it, I felt there was something I didn't do right, wasn't doing right, will have to do so that I could be pleasing enough, could win acceptance and care, and a chance to be treated like I'm not someone adopted and handed to my Dad to groom.  

That journey was a very tiring one, it led to another suicide attempt at 13, (That was when I knew that local ota pia pia was only scented water.  The first time my mum saw that I am trying to leave. She was too shock to speak) the very next year after my first.  It resurfaced again.  

It was a calm still voice of the second person invisible to my eyes but audible to my ears, who talks and I know it is not God, not another spirit, but a kind of my duo. The night when I sat in the dark staring into the emptiness of the night willing my eyes to release more tears, because it was tired of doing so and was hurting from doing too much of that.  

"It's neither what you do, nor how you do it that is the trouble.  It is you.  You will never be enough, before him, you will never measure up to standard, you will never become, nor take same space your other siblings took.  It's you! Your existence, not what you're doing. The earlier you get this, the earlier you'll take your life by your hands and refuse them to hunt you to death. The earlier you understand this, the earlier you'll stop attempting to die because someone always make you feel you are not sufficient" 

I doubted that voice until I turned 15.

At 15 I knew I will never ever do a thing that will make my dad pleased. I told myself it's time to stop.  I told myself it's time to give up the try and live for me, be my own Hero, fight for my chance to survive. At 15 I laid hands on my younger self throat and killed it! That apologetic, try harder to please, try to fit in, try to make them love you me, died.  Then I took new skin.  Surviving. Survival.  Fighting. Standing up to any kind of authority that's against my existence.  Rebel.  I vehemently refused to join a cult, I didn't want that kind of life, I wanted to survive.  

I stopped trying to please. I started living for myself.  I find time to laugh, to laugh loud and long.  I found time to look at myself in the mirror and say, just add flesh in this area, and voila, you will get that look you're looking for.  

It didn't come at a platter, I took the bull by the horn. 

I refused to do extra chores.  I stood my ground.  Braved through the beatings. I refused to overlook, to shrink in and apologize for existing.  Instead, I confronted.  And spoke up.  

My Dad had this policy of not letting you tell another person the reason he beats you, it made him the more angry.  So when he beat me for something I didn't do, when whatever made my existence a pain in his flesh rose and he pounced on me, I settle down to explain to anyone who came to my aid.  To explain loudly.  To scream the explanation.  Because I knew, no one will do that for me.  And all the life I have is one.  And no one will make me end it for their own fulfillment.  And in 2017, I fled to another  state. Thank God for university.

I shared this tiny story from my childhood to say this.  

To say this to you trying to stop doing or start doing in other to please your oppressor. 

Trying to submit and mop your husband's floor with your tongue and serve him food whilst on your knee to earn his love and respect. 

Trying to shrink in to make that family, that group, that association accept you. 

"It is not what you do or how you do it.  It is you.  You will never be enough" 

If you wish, you can fall from the highest cliff, or dive head deep into Mariana trench, you can also measure all your conduct and shrink. You will never be enough for them.  You will never be pleasing to them. You will never measure up to their expectation. They will never treat you right or give you that place you so badly crave to have.  You will never be enough.  

And the earlier you take your life in your hand and be your own savior, the longer your chances to live in this world! 

Die for many reasons, never die to give your oppressors the peace and fulfillment they crave.  

For me, I stood up to them and fled when the golden opportunity presented itself. 

I believe you should have enough insight to do same.  Stand up and flee until you're strong enough to match them.  

H

ow many more years are you going to spend trying to be enough and to be pleasing?