Today I chose to write about Miriam.
Miriam the daughter of Nana the shame of Jamil abi Jalil of Herat.
I'll write because I set my eyes on the print edition of a painting, a painting of a woman staring into space which if you ask me I'll say emptiness and void, with the bright sun behind her a tree adjacent her and birds fly atop her hair but something spectacular is this woman didn't know any of this existed, she's just staring into the void and emptiness with a crack of smile.
She makes me think of Miriam.
The girl I am currently reading about in a Thousand Splendid Suns, a book that has the same pain and agony as Joys of Motherhood even though not bothered by the same thing.
You see Miriam was the product of an affair Jamil has with his maid Nana. She's a hamari - a bastard - but she feels she isn't so because Jamil her father didn't make her feel so. He'll come around buying her presents, bringing dyed eggs, chicken and rice. Talking about a life of bliss, of his cinema, of enjoyment, of plenty and of love.
Miriam is enveloped by these pleasantries, she felt loved, her father loves her, why is her mother bitter about everything?
Why does she always say her father isn't pure hearted? How can this man not be pure hearted? The one who makes his visiting day rapturous for her that she'll look forward to it like one will look forward to the coming of the bride who they so much adore. He told her stories, took her fishing, bought her gift.
Nana is the problem. She's shielding her from a sight, a sight she so badly wants to not only see but live in. Trying to pass her grievances to her. She dares to tell her she is nothing and that in the whole world all she got is Nana - her ever nagging, bitter mother -
Why will she say so?
That she is nothing? That even Jamil who showers her with the beauty of life isn't part of the beautiful treasures she has? How can she say she is the only one when her rich ever worshipped never wrong father is their, visiting her on Thursdays making her feel loved.
Don't mind Nana, bitter woman. She only wants to narrow her to her own path to keep her in her own cage under her own wings. But she is adventurous, like the baby chick, she wants to see what lays ahead in the beautiful open in front, with green vegetation. She wants to explore many things, like becking her own food, by herself, being with other chicken. But Nana will squawk or isn't that the noise mother hen made? And pull her back into her wings, or let her walk in front of her just where her eyes can see her fully. But she wants more. Jamil is painting a world that's beautiful like the mountain top and like Alabi beautiful she-goat she must go up the mountain.
So on her fifteenth birthday, she feel caged enough. "I want to go to your Cinema" she told her father, her Jamil, the one who treasured her, forget about what Nana said. The one who loves her best and don't say hurtful things to her, forget about how Nana paints it. "I want to see the film, I want to see it with you and my sisters and brothers" she buttressed her point to him at the stream and even when he told her he'll send someone instead of come himself, she felt maybe he will be too busy, but this is a birthday wish. So.... "I want you to come yourself" was a present he is to give her.
Bitter Nana, whinning, hating, malic(e)ing and threatening. She claims she will die if she leaves. Ha-ha-ha-ha mothers and pettiness! Try another bait mom. Like the bleat of Alabi's she goat when he tried to hold her from taking up the adventure and enjoying life. Mehhh I want to go up the mountain!
And Friday came, she waited till eleven thirty, walked past Nana, forget it, why should she greet her? Bitter woman who doesn't want her to enjoy the company of her father, the one who treasured her, loved her, and spoke nicely.
But didn't it cross her mind that if Jamil wants her this bad, why didn't he ask her to come live with him himself. why didn't he ask this if he so treasured her?
I envisage she must have dismissed the idea. Her Nana was the problem, how will Jamil take her away from her Nana. The mother-hen mother of a mother. So she scurried away, to go to the stream, to wait for her father. To go to the cinema. He didn't show up! But she can't give up. She must ensure she gets her food, she beck her worm, so she went right across the stream and Upendi was in front of her.
Bitter Nana has lied. she said in Haret she will be spite but isn't this she, walking freely, very unnoticed because she is as ordinary as every other? Isn't here more beautiful? mtcheew. can her mother just purge her conscience from hate and hateful think for Allah's sake? Can she just know that whatever happened between Jamil and her, was for Jamil and her, Jalil, Jamil, all the same. And she was an exception. Jamil may never want Nana, his three wives may have ganged up and threw her out because she was his mere gardener, but she is different. She is his daughter, a legitimate part of him. The offspring of his own sperm. And she is wanted, and the wives also wants her. She would have said fuck mama, but that will not be nice, so she will just not say a word about mama, she'll go and enjoy her life today with the father who treasure her and return back to Nana and tell her "you see, all that hatred is nothing, too bad children now see farther than the adults. I told you Jamil and his family likes me and wants me maybe it's you they don't want. don't share the hate."
So instead of her to turn and go back to her Nana, she asked someone to ride her to Jamil Khan Jo! Richest man, who do not know him?
Finally she got to his gate, a sense of satisfaction flush inwardly. She has arrived. The mountain top, the outside world distance away from mother hen Nana, two kilometers if she must stress it! And mama must know, she's being right all the while.
That excitement was still in her eyes when she requested to see her father, when she told the lady who opened the gate that she is his daughter. She would have said jewel, treasure, but for matter-of-utmost-importance sake daughter!
The reaction startled her.
Like when the wolf first appeared to Alabi's she goat. Her master may have been right anyway, but she is strong to fight this wolf. This chicken in a wolf skin cannot threaten her.
Jamil's driver says he is not in. But here is his car. Such lair. But he might not be in, she will wait for him.
He later says he should go lodge her in a hotel for the night. Can you imagine? She's here to be with her father, even though for the day, for her birthday and this driver that doesn't know what she means to him is suggesting a hotel? Scoff! Joker! She'll wait. She needs no rice nor bread, she needs her father. She will wait.
But reality begins setting in.
Where is Jamil? Isn't he returning? Is he inside? Haven't he been told she is outside? Why is he suggesting a hotel instead of flinging wide the gate and welcoming her his treasure home?
She eats her rice and bread and slept.
Outside his gate.
She woke to a blanket over her, a piece of thick material covering her outside the gate. to the rough shaking of this driver hurrying her to not make more scene but follow him as he drives her home.
The man must be kidding. go home without her dad seeing her? Never. He may be so disappointed. forget about the fact that he'd not let her in. He might not be around. So she plays tricks on the driver, giving her first nod. She zoomed inside through the opened gate! She must get to see the faces of those who treasures her as her father did.
But stop!
Who's hiding behind that window? Whose eyes are getting bigger? Who just disappeared into hiding and used his hand to close the curtain?
HIM.
HER FATHER
HER JAMIL.
THE ONE SHE FELT SHE MEANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO.
The cold of the night envelopes her in the morning. Reality is beginning to take a toll. She must go. She must see Nana, she must tell her she is right. She is an harami or haram a bastard. Nana was right.
She kicked the air in a lost fight the hand lifted her to the car. Her father was there all night and allowed her sleep outside. Nana must hear this one.
She goes home.
To Nana.
Now suspended on the air held to a tree with a rope. It wasn't a threat, Nana was serious about dying if she leaves.
But this death, especially this death is the most painful. Nana should have at least waited for her to come home, to change. To be her good girl, to sit by her and say "Mama, do you know you're right all along, Jamil is evil" She'll go on to rant and curse and swear and even stopped seeing him or asking him to see her. But she'll complain to no Nana. She had thought of how best to apologize, but this cold body hanging from this rope isn't asking for an explanation or an apology. Its content has simply accepted its lot and her moved to her creator. The sad mama who is always bitter and says hurtful things to her is right after all. She is harami. Nana is all she had.
She's now gone!
Now she'll have to see her Jamil as long as she wants, Jamil even says she can come stay with him now, come live in that mansion, come be a part of the family. Only that..... Now..... She doesn't want to. She wants the wings of her bitter mother, she wished to hear her angry squawk. But she can't have it, she must follow Jamil.
The following days where unveiling, they were revealing.
Jamil only love and accepted her as long as she was kept far away from him. From his life, from his real legitimate children. His coming to see her was a kind of penance. Penance like mama said. She was the walking breathing embodiment of his shame. Such shame. Shame of having an extra marital affair with his own made.
As long as she was with her mother, he could come see her, but she must not dare desire for more. To live with him, to meet with her half sisters and brothers, because of a truth.... She is a bastard! A bastard in the arms of her mother doesn't know how much a bastard she is, how much unaccepted she is and how much shame Sheri brings.
So, she must marry Rasheed and forever be in the bin of extinction in Rasheed's house, away from Jamil or Jalil her pretentious father with lying tongue and sweet nothing that if unravel is pain.
She'll live with this regret all her life.
If only she hasn't desired more. If only she had curled herself in the soothing arms of pain, bitterness and that sense of rejection. She will not have really experienced what pain, bitterness, rejection truly is.
I share same regret with Miriam
If I never asked for more.....
Lemme stop writing now.
Miriam the daughter of Nana the shame of Jamil abi Jalil of Herat.
I'll write because I set my eyes on the print edition of a painting, a painting of a woman staring into space which if you ask me I'll say emptiness and void, with the bright sun behind her a tree adjacent her and birds fly atop her hair but something spectacular is this woman didn't know any of this existed, she's just staring into the void and emptiness with a crack of smile.
She makes me think of Miriam.
The girl I am currently reading about in a Thousand Splendid Suns, a book that has the same pain and agony as Joys of Motherhood even though not bothered by the same thing.
You see Miriam was the product of an affair Jamil has with his maid Nana. She's a hamari - a bastard - but she feels she isn't so because Jamil her father didn't make her feel so. He'll come around buying her presents, bringing dyed eggs, chicken and rice. Talking about a life of bliss, of his cinema, of enjoyment, of plenty and of love.
Miriam is enveloped by these pleasantries, she felt loved, her father loves her, why is her mother bitter about everything?
Why does she always say her father isn't pure hearted? How can this man not be pure hearted? The one who makes his visiting day rapturous for her that she'll look forward to it like one will look forward to the coming of the bride who they so much adore. He told her stories, took her fishing, bought her gift.
Nana is the problem. She's shielding her from a sight, a sight she so badly wants to not only see but live in. Trying to pass her grievances to her. She dares to tell her she is nothing and that in the whole world all she got is Nana - her ever nagging, bitter mother -
Why will she say so?
That she is nothing? That even Jamil who showers her with the beauty of life isn't part of the beautiful treasures she has? How can she say she is the only one when her rich ever worshipped never wrong father is their, visiting her on Thursdays making her feel loved.
Don't mind Nana, bitter woman. She only wants to narrow her to her own path to keep her in her own cage under her own wings. But she is adventurous, like the baby chick, she wants to see what lays ahead in the beautiful open in front, with green vegetation. She wants to explore many things, like becking her own food, by herself, being with other chicken. But Nana will squawk or isn't that the noise mother hen made? And pull her back into her wings, or let her walk in front of her just where her eyes can see her fully. But she wants more. Jamil is painting a world that's beautiful like the mountain top and like Alabi beautiful she-goat she must go up the mountain.
So on her fifteenth birthday, she feel caged enough. "I want to go to your Cinema" she told her father, her Jamil, the one who treasured her, forget about what Nana said. The one who loves her best and don't say hurtful things to her, forget about how Nana paints it. "I want to see the film, I want to see it with you and my sisters and brothers" she buttressed her point to him at the stream and even when he told her he'll send someone instead of come himself, she felt maybe he will be too busy, but this is a birthday wish. So.... "I want you to come yourself" was a present he is to give her.
Bitter Nana, whinning, hating, malic(e)ing and threatening. She claims she will die if she leaves. Ha-ha-ha-ha mothers and pettiness! Try another bait mom. Like the bleat of Alabi's she goat when he tried to hold her from taking up the adventure and enjoying life. Mehhh I want to go up the mountain!
And Friday came, she waited till eleven thirty, walked past Nana, forget it, why should she greet her? Bitter woman who doesn't want her to enjoy the company of her father, the one who treasured her, loved her, and spoke nicely.
But didn't it cross her mind that if Jamil wants her this bad, why didn't he ask her to come live with him himself. why didn't he ask this if he so treasured her?
I envisage she must have dismissed the idea. Her Nana was the problem, how will Jamil take her away from her Nana. The mother-hen mother of a mother. So she scurried away, to go to the stream, to wait for her father. To go to the cinema. He didn't show up! But she can't give up. She must ensure she gets her food, she beck her worm, so she went right across the stream and Upendi was in front of her.
Bitter Nana has lied. she said in Haret she will be spite but isn't this she, walking freely, very unnoticed because she is as ordinary as every other? Isn't here more beautiful? mtcheew. can her mother just purge her conscience from hate and hateful think for Allah's sake? Can she just know that whatever happened between Jamil and her, was for Jamil and her, Jalil, Jamil, all the same. And she was an exception. Jamil may never want Nana, his three wives may have ganged up and threw her out because she was his mere gardener, but she is different. She is his daughter, a legitimate part of him. The offspring of his own sperm. And she is wanted, and the wives also wants her. She would have said fuck mama, but that will not be nice, so she will just not say a word about mama, she'll go and enjoy her life today with the father who treasure her and return back to Nana and tell her "you see, all that hatred is nothing, too bad children now see farther than the adults. I told you Jamil and his family likes me and wants me maybe it's you they don't want. don't share the hate."
So instead of her to turn and go back to her Nana, she asked someone to ride her to Jamil Khan Jo! Richest man, who do not know him?
Finally she got to his gate, a sense of satisfaction flush inwardly. She has arrived. The mountain top, the outside world distance away from mother hen Nana, two kilometers if she must stress it! And mama must know, she's being right all the while.
That excitement was still in her eyes when she requested to see her father, when she told the lady who opened the gate that she is his daughter. She would have said jewel, treasure, but for matter-of-utmost-importance sake daughter!
The reaction startled her.
Like when the wolf first appeared to Alabi's she goat. Her master may have been right anyway, but she is strong to fight this wolf. This chicken in a wolf skin cannot threaten her.
Jamil's driver says he is not in. But here is his car. Such lair. But he might not be in, she will wait for him.
He later says he should go lodge her in a hotel for the night. Can you imagine? She's here to be with her father, even though for the day, for her birthday and this driver that doesn't know what she means to him is suggesting a hotel? Scoff! Joker! She'll wait. She needs no rice nor bread, she needs her father. She will wait.
But reality begins setting in.
Where is Jamil? Isn't he returning? Is he inside? Haven't he been told she is outside? Why is he suggesting a hotel instead of flinging wide the gate and welcoming her his treasure home?
She eats her rice and bread and slept.
Outside his gate.
She woke to a blanket over her, a piece of thick material covering her outside the gate. to the rough shaking of this driver hurrying her to not make more scene but follow him as he drives her home.
The man must be kidding. go home without her dad seeing her? Never. He may be so disappointed. forget about the fact that he'd not let her in. He might not be around. So she plays tricks on the driver, giving her first nod. She zoomed inside through the opened gate! She must get to see the faces of those who treasures her as her father did.
But stop!
Who's hiding behind that window? Whose eyes are getting bigger? Who just disappeared into hiding and used his hand to close the curtain?
HIM.
HER FATHER
HER JAMIL.
THE ONE SHE FELT SHE MEANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO.
The cold of the night envelopes her in the morning. Reality is beginning to take a toll. She must go. She must see Nana, she must tell her she is right. She is an harami or haram a bastard. Nana was right.
She kicked the air in a lost fight the hand lifted her to the car. Her father was there all night and allowed her sleep outside. Nana must hear this one.
She goes home.
To Nana.
Now suspended on the air held to a tree with a rope. It wasn't a threat, Nana was serious about dying if she leaves.
But this death, especially this death is the most painful. Nana should have at least waited for her to come home, to change. To be her good girl, to sit by her and say "Mama, do you know you're right all along, Jamil is evil" She'll go on to rant and curse and swear and even stopped seeing him or asking him to see her. But she'll complain to no Nana. She had thought of how best to apologize, but this cold body hanging from this rope isn't asking for an explanation or an apology. Its content has simply accepted its lot and her moved to her creator. The sad mama who is always bitter and says hurtful things to her is right after all. She is harami. Nana is all she had.
She's now gone!
Now she'll have to see her Jamil as long as she wants, Jamil even says she can come stay with him now, come live in that mansion, come be a part of the family. Only that..... Now..... She doesn't want to. She wants the wings of her bitter mother, she wished to hear her angry squawk. But she can't have it, she must follow Jamil.
The following days where unveiling, they were revealing.
Jamil only love and accepted her as long as she was kept far away from him. From his life, from his real legitimate children. His coming to see her was a kind of penance. Penance like mama said. She was the walking breathing embodiment of his shame. Such shame. Shame of having an extra marital affair with his own made.
As long as she was with her mother, he could come see her, but she must not dare desire for more. To live with him, to meet with her half sisters and brothers, because of a truth.... She is a bastard! A bastard in the arms of her mother doesn't know how much a bastard she is, how much unaccepted she is and how much shame Sheri brings.
So, she must marry Rasheed and forever be in the bin of extinction in Rasheed's house, away from Jamil or Jalil her pretentious father with lying tongue and sweet nothing that if unravel is pain.
She'll live with this regret all her life.
If only she hasn't desired more. If only she had curled herself in the soothing arms of pain, bitterness and that sense of rejection. She will not have really experienced what pain, bitterness, rejection truly is.
I share same regret with Miriam
If I never asked for more.....
Lemme stop writing now.
I am tempted to start reading the piece "A thousand splendid sun" now. This is an expository review. Well-done
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