Few days prior to writing this, I visited my Encouragements’ widow who had faded badly into a shadow of herself since his demise September of last year; I had an unbelievable 24 hours of intense silent grieving a day before I happened on them, and it was my encouragement I felt that strong grief for. It was shocking because the evening of his burial I broke into what I term helpless tears, a strong feat that shows how helpless I felt since I heard of his demise and I felt that was supposed to be the parting tears, I felt that was supposed to end it. Thoughts of him faded to the background after that feat and I felt I had accepted my fate until that day.
I, preparing to return to school for the completion of my final semester had woken up that morning remembering our discussion from last year, his encouragement and how much strength I felt afterwards. I always feel stronger after his encouragements and I had planned to still meet him when I finally get done and take some business lessons, he always believed I’ll make a good business man, I do too. Going through many challenging stuff and finding that I’m dragging my resumption date made me remember him, I’d have gone to him and he would have said a thing or two strengthening words. That morning, I woke up needing that encouragement and couldn’t find any, what followed was an explosion of grief. Silent and painful it was that seeing his widow the next day was a big relief.
The tears streaking down her eyes were enough answer to my intended question, “How are you?”
It’s been nine months after his death and six since we laid his remains to mother earth, not much time is past but it seem enough time for the conventional condolence visit which usually expires at most few days after burials.
That visit was condolence for me, seeing that her wound hadn’t even begin to clog talk more of beginning to heal, spurred several emotions and thoughts. I was grateful that I paid that visit, I’ve been meaning to and then it also spurred curiosity which became the grounds for writing this, when should condolence really end? Before the burial? After the burial? Or as long as until the bereaved begin to show signs of moving on or healing?
Normally or what has occurred so many times that is now passed as normal, the bereaved is expected to begin the healing session few weeks before the burial, reach the climax of grief during the burial and end it at least two weeks afterwards. I know this because the condolence messages I usually received when I lost E! and my encouragement slowly became a calm chiding to move on few weeks after they’ve both been buried. Months later, someone literally told me to move on and allow E rest. This person isn’t the first, some had even asked if I intend dying alongside him or more straightforwardly “do you intend crying forever?”
I really began thinking that I was over stressing issues, crying more than I am allowed to and being unnecessarily dramatic when I can just wake up, tell myself E! is gone and that’s forever and simply (like they say) move on. Thing is, I can’t, it’s not something I can just wake up and do, and this is because I’ve tried to attempt that and what I discovered was more intense pain, so I began grieving silently to not offend, and badly wanted to know if there’s any other who feels exactly what I feel and trying to suppress. Meeting her that day simply validated the truth that the pain from losing a loved one can be long and still fresh like it was the first day. I’m not talking about the silent scalding pain from losing a loved one that follows the bereaved everyday of their life after the event, I’m talking about the first fresh pain that remains red and bursting from when they died till several months and years later, the first pain which condolences is supposed to sooth.
If it doesn’t have a time frame and do really linger for long, can we then say the condolences we offer that mostly expires on the burial day is enough? Should condolence visit ends few days after a deceased is buried or it should be as long as there’s still the presence of that first fresh pain?
Share your thoughts with me, what do you think? When should condolences end?
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